Words To Live By

Originally sent 26 May 2019

Revised and Expanded 29 Dec 2024

Revised 2 Jan 2025

Dear Wayne, Sarah, Jake, Katie, Cambri, Scott, Mikki, Westin, Mannon, Kristen, Brad, Jennifer, Ted, Channing, April, Joshua, Christina, Brittany, Nick, Ashley, Anthony, LaBria, Bryce, Heather, Gabe, Jessica, Caleb, Elijah, Isaac, Seth, Gracie and Sydney.

Copies to: Erin, Wayne, Matt, Connie, Paige, Dave, Andy, Susan, Shannon, Chris, Cameron and Berta

I wrote the original “Words to Live By” five years and eight months ago. In the interim a lot has happened in my life and the lives of my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In the interim years I have had the words I have written below affirmed and have also learned more about the life we all live. It seemed to me that it might be a good time for me to review what I wrote you in May 2019 to see if it all still applied, if there were corrections to be made and if some thoughts might be added. I found they all still apply, that corrections and clarifications should be made and that additions could be beneficial.

One thing is clear to me from ancient and modern history and my own experience. All things living, as well as non-organics such as committees, organizations, governments, and natural formation such as mountains, water ways, and the bodies in the stratosphere and beyond, have a life cycle. We too have a life cycle.

While in this life, structure your decisions to make a difference and add value to whatever you are involved with. That especially includes family. Families can be messy, but that messiness can be resolved. It also includes making a difference and adding value to your life, in the lives of others and in any endeavor in which you find yourself.

It is possible that over the years I have learned and internalized some things that perhaps you haven’t yet. It is also possible that you may benefit from some of the mistakes I have made over the years and concepts I have learned because of, and outside of, those mistakes. It is also possible, and it is my hope, that you will be able to use what I will set down below as a series of shortcuts for you to use in your interrelationship with others and, if married or with a partner, with each other as couples, without having to go through more than half a lifetime, of experience to understand their value. If you already are well aware of any or all of what I have to contribute and are in no need of a refresher then I am happy for you, and you can toss this message. I just don’t know who you might be so am including all of you.

Trade Offs

It is an undisputed truth that most decisions in life involve a trade-off of some kind. Life is full of them. “If you do this, then you lose that.” Or “you can do that and lose this.” Often the trade-off is not recognized and mistakes can be made. Identify the trade-off and make your decision based on that knowledge.

Know Thyself

I would like to iterate what I wrote in the Christmas email I sent out a few days ago: Schedule a time periodically each year to remember who you are, what you are, where you came from, where you are now, where you intend to go and how you intend to get there. Enter those review times as ongoing dates on your electronic calendar. 

Regardless of your personal feeling about a creator God, your decisions are yours to make and execute. That includes decisions impacting your relationships with self, each other, the environment, and with your God, by whatever name.

We all make individual decisions regarding relations uniquely. I see a world containing love and caring alongside dictatorship, oppression and starving people. We are much better off than millions of others in the US and around the world. Be thankful for the positives in your life. Find ways to make a difference for yourself and others, and to add value in the decisions you make.

Let me repeat that. Find ways to make a difference and to add value in the decisions you make.

Distribution

I am sharing these comments and concepts I’m about to articulate below with all my married and seriously involved grandchildren and spouses/significant others along with all who are single. I have informed your parents for their information. You are all fully adults so I didn’t have to, however, since I value my relationship with them, I thought it prudent to do so. They were fully supportive in May 2019, so I assume still are. They may also appreciate and benefit from a review of these “Words to Live By.”

Some of the concepts I will set down here may seem obvious, but nonetheless are difficult to personally actualize in relating to other people. I will list them in no particular order except for the first two paragraphs.

A big part of success can be summed up in one word and one reality

Interpersonal Relationships

The word is relationships. My experience in the Navy, Deere & Company, the Presbytery of East Iowa and in a large variety of civic and professional organizations I have headed as chair or president has taught me an important lesson. Social interaction,  the ability to develop and maintain strong, positive interpersonal relationships, or lack thereof, is the biggest element leading to success or failure in whatever you endeavor to do. People who fail to establish solid, positive relationships are more apt to fail in whatever they endeavor to accomplish. A solid skill set is important but often interpersonal relationships are as, or more, important. That includes success on the job, on the sports field, in school, in social situations, interaction between couples and interaction between parents and children.

Reality: Being Observed and Judged

The reality is that we are all continually being observed and judged. This observation and judgment may be subconscious or conscious, but it is a reality. Even if its sub-conscience, the observations are still being made and are cumulative. So how you relate to other people is being noted and judged by those individuals as well as all those who surround you. I suspect each of you takes note of what you see and hear of others and know to what I am referring. You are role models/examples whether you want to be or not. The message you send as a role model/example is pretty much up to you.

Actions to Build Constructive/Meaningful Interpersonal Relationships

Entering a Room

Do not start talking before entering a room. This seems obvious. However, it is surprising how often this happens. When it does, any conversation is seriously disrupted.

Every time you enter a room, read the room.  Size up what is happening in that room before interjecting yourself. Then treat each person in that room as if they are particularly important to you, because each person is.

Offer to help with any activity that is taking place.

Compliment Others

Look for ways to complement others without being overly effusive about it. People like being affirmed and your complimenting them does that. It sounds like a little thing, but it can be a building block in a relationship.

No Gossip

Refrain from gossip or saying anything negative about someone else. Your stock will go up in the eyes of all who observe this trait in you. They will know they can trust you because you will not criticize them behind their backs.

Discuss Issues Directly

If you have a complaint about how someone has treated you or you have observed actions, words, or attitudes from that person you feel are unacceptable, make a point of discussing the issues with the individual in private and personally. Do not discuss your concerns or criticism with others behind the subjects back. This is commonly known as triangulation which can often be hurtful without producing any positive results.

Refrain from Discussing Controversial Topics Like Politics and Religion.

I have found that in almost every case of subjects like politics and religion your audience, of one person, or a group, already has a mind set on the subject. The chances of changing that mind set is small and the likelihood of the discussion leading to a monolog on one side or the other, and then to argument and possibly hard feelings is fairly high. Since there seems to be little to gain and an outsized possibility of something to lose, it seems safest to just not do it.

Private v Public

Criticize an individual in private; praise an individual publicly.

Electronic and Social Media Communication

Various forms of social media, such as Facebook, can be wonderful ways to connect and communicate. Social media can be especially useful to send photos and information about what is happening in your world that you would like others to know about, and then respond to. It can also become addictive. One post leads to another and you find you have been at the screen longer than you intended.

These media, along with email, have become a favorite means of being hurtful to others both directly, and by triangulating by sending messages to others. My advice is simple and straight forward. Don’t participate in hurting others. You will not only not feel better by doing it, you will probably feel worse and you can do incalculable damage to the person subject to your cruel remarks. It would be beneficial if you spoke up to stop those who are doing it.

If you are attacked, strongly consider ignoring it. Responding will often result in an escalation that will not end well.

Give Credit

This one is summed up in a casting that was made by one of the John Deere foundries. I’ll paraphrase it, “There is no limit to what a person can do or where that person can go if he or she doesn’t mind who gets the credit.” This is hard to do. We all want credit but sharing that credit with others is a very powerful tool toward building the relationship and motivating others to help you with other things you would like their help. They know you will give them credit and people observing you doing this will respect you more for it.

Take Responsibility for Mistakes/Errors

Whenever you make a mistake, or cause something to happen that should not have happen, and vice versa, immediately admit the error. That one act stops the blame game and start the process of correcting whatever went wrong. Doing this fixes the problem much faster and garners you an increase in respect among your peers.

Say it, Do it

If you say you are going to do something, be sure to do it on time and under budget if finances are involved.

Active Listening

I learned some time ago the value of listening. I’m fairly good at it without submitting to the temptation of giving advice unless it’s requested. I would be happy to listen to you, individually, any time you feel the need to talk and provide you with my thoughts but only if you desire to have them. Explaining an issue to a listener forces the brain to organize the issue more so than just reviewing it silently. Often times a person can find the solution to whatever is of concern just by talking through it and without the need for the listener to do any more than listen.

Active listening is a skill worth honing. You can learn a lot about another person while doing that person the honor of paying very close attention to him or her through listening. In the course of listening try very hard to determine whether the individual wishes to hear your thoughts about what is being said or simply wishes to vent without you giving any advice or counsel that may come to your mind.

The Power of “Thank You”

Any time someone does something nice for you, gives you a compliment, gives you a gift, or provides any kind of nicety for you be sure to say “thank you, I really appreciate what you have said.” (or done for me, or for this gift, etc.). This is important in building and maintaining a relationship and it is just good manners. I have noticed over the years that this practice has been lost on many in our family. A few generations ago a nicety, such as a gift, required a hand written note sent through the US Mail or delivered in person. Today, an email, text or phone call is acceptable. Refraining from doing anything is not.  Make this a habit. It costs nothing and pays large dividends.  

Be Honest and Transparent

Always be honest and transparent even if you are sure the other person doesn’t want to hear how you feel or what you have to say. If what you have to say is not going to be constructive, think hard about swallowing hard and not saying it. If you feel it will be helpful, know your audience and use that knowledge in developing your response. Say it with care that it has the intended results.

No Secrets, Hold Hands in Strife

As a couple, be honest always, no secrets. Secrets lead to tension and tension leads to uncomfortable unions. When discussing sensitive and perhaps critical issues, hold hands. It is hard to get angry and easier to remain rational and to stay on task when in physical contact than yelling across the room.  

Sensitive to Feelings

Be sensitive to the feelings of others, especially those of your spouse/partner. This may require a response of concern/compassion in the moment of the distress or discomfort and/or later if the issue continues. Make a judgment of whether your help would be beneficial and if it would be accepted or that just a listening ear is needed. Don’t ignore a discomfort in your mate.

Me Time

From time to time everyone needs a little private space that has nothing to do with your relationship and has a lot to do with that person’s need to be introspective and to rejuvenate in private. Allow this for yourself and for others without interference. If there is a chance that this could be construed as being offensive to someone else, it may help for you tell that person you need this time and it is not an issue with the other person.

Time for Date Night

There may be times when issues pile up along with tensions. Don’t allow this to continue very long. It may be time for a date night. Have fun together as well as problem solve together.

Harry Hoyt